Monthly Archives: May 2010

Un Prophète


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I’m sure I’ve seen this guy before, his face is so familiar but I just can’t put my finger on it.

Has he been in the news recently? Something to do with pork-chops, no? Ah, never mind, probably just another Parisian gypsy looking for a free lunch.

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Skanque


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Pariscruff.com EXCLUSIVE!!!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are heading back to Paris!

The Hollywood couple were spotted this afternoon heading into one of Paris’ most prestigious hotels on the swanky rue de Sofia.
They will be residing at Hotel Sofia whilst the adoption addicted duo hunt down their dream bedsit for them and their six kids.

You heard it here first!!

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Royale With Cheese


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If you’re looking for a variety of luxury goods all under one roof then I suggest you head over to Galleries Lafayette, Paris’ most famous department store. As you enter you may well be stunned by the beauty of the ceiling but keep your eyes ahead of you as to avoid bumping into the crowd of Japanese tourists heading your way.

Once you’ve dragged yourself up and down the six floors crammed with hideous, overpriced and quite comical fashion items you’ll most probably be needing a sit down, something to quench your thirst and possibly a bite to eat.

According to their website Galleries Lafeyette offers a wide selection of restaurants and cafés throughout the store catering to all tastes.
You’ll find Chinese and Japanese eateries and a self-service café on the 6th floor, patisserie and tea shop on the 3rd, a wine and champagne bar on the 1st floor, a sandwich shop on the 5th, not forgetting the espresso bar on ground level.

Ah, they seem to have omitted to mention the Mc Donalds on the 5th Floor opposite the baggage department.
Silly them, look, there’s even the token homeless person taking a nap!

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Delicatessen


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Paris, the magical city of lights.
Internationally renowned for its exceptional restaurants, stunning fashion shows, exquisite art expos, historical architecture and gourmet food stores.

Speaking of gourmet epiceries, don’t miss the opportunity to sample the treats on display at this particular rat infested delicatessen.

Bon Appetit!

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Precious Cesspit


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Whether you’ve just arrived in Paris or have lived here for many years, one thing you will be aware of is the challenge it can be to find decent accommodation at reasonable prices.

If you’re lucky enough to find an owner willing to consider your dossier de location in order to rent you their precious, dark, dingy, top floor, cockroach infested cesspit chambre de bonne then make sure you have the following ready for inspection:

– photocopy of your passport
– 3 latest salary slips
– proof of residence for you guarantor
– full names and address of your latest sexual partners
– photocopy of your guarantors passport
– latest tax declaration
– work contract or certificate
– copy of  your dental records
– bank details
– proof of rent payments from last residence
– your guarantors property tax declaration
– latest rectal exam results

Should your dossier be accepted then you’re either very lucky indeed or one of those fucking trendy, organic loving, ecofriendly, politically correct, privileged left-wing bourgeois bohemian urbanite do-gooder types.

Alternatively, claim your free self erecting tent and camp out in style along the canal saint martin with these guys.

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Bertrand’s Bike


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See, this is what you get when you fuck with Mayor Delanoe’s stuff Mr Pigeon.
You could’t help yourself could ya, you just had to go and shit all over his bikes.

Let this be a lesson to us all.

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Uncivilized Creatures


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I made my reasons for hating the Velib’ quite clear in a previous article, I believe I was harsh but fair and expressed my views in a decent and civilised manner as any self-respecting Parisian would.

As you will see from the images displayed below some creatures of this earth have other methods for displaying their disapproval but I can’t help thinking: What the fuck did the Velib’ ever do to pigeons to deserve this?!!

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Spreading Sport


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Paris isn’t particularly well known for it amazing sports facilities, nor are Parisians famous for their sporting talents.
You’ll find a local gym to keep your muscles toned and a public swimming pool to catch something in but there is one sport which could take Paris to the top.

Skiing.

That’s right! Skiing is the one activity that many Parisians practice on a daily basis thanks to all the dog shit spread throughout the city.

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Public Relief


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Walking can be one of the best ways to discover Paris.  As you stroll through the streets you’re bound to bump into some friendly locals, chat with happy shop keepers or bond with groups of kind-hearted youths.
You’ll come across quaint little boutiques,  award-winning chocolatiers, Michelin featured eateries and numerous thirst quenching cafés!

Just be sure to use the toilet before you carry on your adventure through the city as to not end up faced with one of these stunning public shitteries and no other options.

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Sleeping Scruff


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There’s no denying it, Paris is home to some of the most exquisite sleeperies in the world.
Why not experience the Parisian joie de vivre for yourself by napping in an alley, snuggling up to urine stained walls or having a kip under some scaffolding.

With the massive array of monuments on offer the city’s homeless population is spoilt for choice when it comes to the more exclusive snoozing spots.

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Mamma Mia!


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Ahh, you can’t beat Paris when it comes to dramatic arts.
The choice is yours! Go see a classical or contemporary play, feel the pain of a Greek tragedy, be inspired by poetry recitals, let your emotions run riot at the opera or why not enjoy a session of Mother Fucker at Le Palace

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Sacré Trash


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Blessed be this sacred heap of rubbish that lay before our very own eyes in witness to it’s stinking glory.

May the ignorant tourists be holy for they hath left their mark on this precious piss stained concrete path.

Amen.